"You're like REALLY pretty!" A cautionary tale...

I hope you all had a lovely holiday and are amped up for the new year and all the excitement that may come with it, I hope personally it is much less exciting than the last couple of years but, what an experience for the grandkids, amiright?

Over the last couple of weeks I've been in this weird place where I'm experiencing a lot of the "mean girls" and I'm not sure why. I feel like there is a mean girl clique that is coming for me in every single aspect of my life these days and I'm struggling hard with it because I'm SUCH a girls girl. Like, I'll be your biggest fan if you'd just stop being SUCH A C-U-Next_Tuesday, Sis! Maybe I'm too confident for life, I cannot help it. I don't know how to NOT be confident nor do I ever want to not be confident, I'm the complete opposite of insecure (borderline narcissist if I'm being frank over here! Jk but, that's what the mean girls like to call me! So my defense mechanism is to make a joke of it OR bring it up first so you can't use it against me even if I don't feel like it's true in the first place, works like a charm thus far!) Maybe, they just don't like me for no reason?! I don't think like that, I'm not one of those "no new friends!" kind of gals, the more the merrier over here!!! I can't relate to looking at another woman and not seeing something beautiful from the jump and letting the individual show me if that beauty is true or just a mask, some people seem to be the other way around and I don't understand that. Is it my boisterous and often obnoxious gift of gab? Is it my weird? WHAT. IS. IT? And of course, my G.O.A.T. girlfriends are all gassing me up, like we can afford any more of that both literally OR preverbally speaking, saying they're jealous and haters and it makes me feel great for a minute but, then I get back to the root of the issue, what is it?! What is it REALLY? I've had mean girls mock some really horrible aspects of my life in a room full of colleagues, to the point where I was legitimately SPEECHLESS (FYI, that doesn't happen), I've had them call me silly names behind my back or when they THOUGHT I wasn't present, I've had them bring up some of my deepest regrets that I already live with every single day of my life, I've had them ruin really amazing opportunities for not just myself but, multiple others as well, I've had them pretend to be my bestie for YEARS only to find out that was never really the case, I've had people I considered sisters get mad at me for getting depression for the first time IN MY LIFE and not knowing how to function with it and now we aren't friends anymore, I've had one attack my weight loss by saying my face looks sunken in now and I'm too skinny, that I was a "wanna be Kardashian" (I mean, I don't follow them but, they seem to ALL be really successful so, sure thing! Thanks for the comparison!). I could go on forever, baby....(shameless Home Alone reference)

Their behaviors and the hurt that I felt from those experiences this year, inspired me though. They inspired me to write this and I don't even know where I'm going with it really but, I'm going to follow my intuition here and just write what my brain is thinking because honestly, the topic has been eating me alive for weeks...

First, why do I care? I care because people matter to me. They always have and always will. I don't get why people just want to make life harder for ANYONE in 2021, this shit is BEYOND C.RAE, this shit is fucking TOUGH. Life can be DEBILITATING for some of us. WHY would ANY human being have enough hate in their souls to WANT to INTENTIONALLY make someone else suffer more when they have been unprovoked? If I've come for you, which doesn't happen unless you come for me or someone I love first, there's a reason for it and I expect consequences to those words or actions but, I rarely if ever start ANYTHING. TRUST AND BELIEVE. I've NEVER met a person I didn't initially like from the beginning, it may have only lasted 10 min but, I will always give you that. I'm SUCH a "don't start no shit, won't be no shit" lady because I was raised by YoungbloodZ and Lil Jon unapologetically but, I'm a vigilante and please believe I'm a savage and there is an inner demon that I keep suppressed inside the deep bowels of my soul because I HATE HER and I battle to keep her inside almost every second of everyday lately, she looks for excuses to come out so stop coming for me! I HATE that I care about the opinions of the people who are clearly NOT my people, I don't want to be anything like them so why do I want them to accept me for me? I should not need their acceptance because, personally, they are not a reflection of me or anything I am currently am or aspire to be. They don't DESERVE to have me be their biggest fans.

Secondly, mean girls, why are you the way that you are?! :::in my best Michael Scott voice:::

Seriously, what are you getting out of hurting people who are already down, whether you know it or not?! What does that say about you and your character? I'm kinda begging you to do better here, without begging you to do shit because we are all adults. We are a part of the same community, a community of people who LITERALLY bring life into this world since the beginning of time but have been fighting for equal rights since 1848, how do you not share that same feeling of sisterhood that I felt towards you before you came at me? Shame on you, do better.

Lastly, my girls girls! OH MY GIRLS GIRLS!!!! You bring me life. Thank you so much for being the shining beacon in my world most times. You reel me in, you hold me accountable in positive ways and you give me advice and teach me new things and bring out the absolute best in me when I'm struggling to find it myself. We are all so different, sizes, age, shapes, colors, backgrounds, family size, family structure, sexual orientation yet, all the same. I appreciate the unity and sisterhood and the memes and DM's and "this made me think of you!" and "can you help me figure out an outfit for this...." and the brunches and the group chats and the "fuck them, they ain't shit anyway!" and the texts and the constant reminder that no matter how alone I feel, I'm not alone and I got this. That I'm better than the emotions that insignificant people cause me to feel or express.

Dita Von Teese said "“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” and honestly, I can respect that. What I CANNOT respect is ANYONE intentionally trying to trigger or hurt another human being they don't even know in reality or starting untrue rumors or gossip that could be detrimental to someone else's reputation or character, for nothing. There is never really a good reason to do that to someone else.

I truly hope that 2022 will be a new year indeed, filled with all good things for everyone! (Even the bitches who wrecked my 2021! LMAO!!!)

xxx,

Colleen