Of all the Mama Bears, I am Ted.
Hey Hey Hey, party people! Lovely to see ya here, I hope this new year is starting out well for you and we have left the past few dumpster fire years behind us!
So, somehow, I got stuck in a preverbal K hole and when I looked up the Kardashians were on my TV, IDK how it happened but, I blame voodoo. Anyway, Kourtney was talking about how she's NOT a cuddly mom. She's not a hugger, she doesn't cuddle them to sleep, etc. and it hit me....ME. EITHER. INSTANT guilt, what a shit mother! Who doesn't cuddle with their kids on the reg? Well...me...and apparently Kourtney Kardashian. It forced me to really look internally and take it WAY back like the beginning of a Blackstreet song and here is what I have determined after months of questioning myself, praying and meditating about it and beating myself up over the prickly pear I am...
We really CAN end up being the product of our environment. I grew up with mostly men raising me, my Daddy and my Poppy and my Grandma OF COURSE. Think about your typical 1930's born era, male population. I don't remember my Poppy EVER telling me verbally that he loved me, but LAWD did I know it!!! You felt his love in the way he would go out of his way to make me laugh, make EVERYONE laugh. He was the joy of my childhood. His actions expressed so much love to all of us, being present, being there, SHOWING UP. He and my grandma did more for us than most people do for their own children and most of it was not even monetary. They gave me a sense of home; they gave me something to miss. And my dad, he would tell me he loved me every single chance he got but, he wasn't a cuddler. We never cuddled before bed, "Bedtime, Coolie!" and up the steps I would go to tuck myself in and you know what, I don't feel slighted. Like, at all. I KNOW they loved me, that means more to me than any number of empty words or in actions that I don't genuinely want to do. I know everything they did with me, they wanted to do, and it wasn't to prove anything to anyone else.
I'm an empath. Sometimes it literally HURTS when people touch me. The only way I can really describe it is, it feels like pins and needles, it's uncomfortable. I don't know how to turn that off. I think over the years I just realized that it is worse the more people touch me, and if I'm overwhelmed, which when am I NOT overwhelmed in 2022? The limit does not exist. (In my best Catie from Mean Girls voice)
There are NO rule books to parenting or being a mom. In reality, none of us REALLY know what we're doing here. It's ghetto, everything is on fire, there's always at least one person being over dramatic (hi, it's usually me!), at least two people aren't listening at all times, there's dirt and mismatched socks everywhere, we're just out here trying to survive in this {Mother}hood. Why are we making it harder on ourselves by judging every move we make as parents? MOST of us would never do anything to intentionally harm the people we literally gave life to and the ones that would, come see me, I got a little something for ya in the form of a knuckle sandwich (because this is public).
I am the perfect mother for MY children. I love them wholeheartedly and unconditionally. Nothing they ever do will change my love for them, my need/want to support them or my desire to help mold them into better humans with each passing year. I will never give up on them. I always want to respect them and their choices, I want to be there for their spouses and anyone they love. THAT is expressing love too.
I am enough for my children, and so are you.
I guess for a time I really WANTED to be a cuddle bug mom but, I'm just not. And that's ok. And that's not saying I NEVER hug my children, I kiss them goodbye, usually on the forehead because the boys are weird. I hug them goodbye when I drop them places. I kiss Grady at school drop-off on the top of the head, etc. I'm just not overly gushy. I don't cuddle nightly; I don't tuck them in often. What I do though, I show up. I cheer them on, I never miss a game even if I'm pissed at one of them, I encourage them to do the right thing, I teach compassion and love and empathy. I do plenty on an emotional level but, physical touch is just not it for me. I tried, I failed, I want to not try and fail again because I'm a Virgo and we don't fail. I'm just going to try my best to accept who I am this year as a mom and remind myself often that I am good enough and that my kids love me just as much as I love them. I have a tumultuous relationship with my mother, and I still love her, just from afar. If I still love my mother after everything, there's no way in this world that my children don't love me.
I felt like it was just really important to remind other parents, not just moms, that we are all out here doing our best while feeling like failures a lot of them time. I'm here to tell you, you're wrong about that. You are your kid's world, they don't act like it as they get older but, I hear that is a phase as well and eventually they find their way back to you, so I'll remain hopeful. What I DO know is, even when I leave this world, I know they will know that I love them unconditionally, just like I knew that when my dad and grandparents passed away. THATS what matters. Not how many hugs you've given them in a lifetime.
Stay Well, Fuck COVID.
xxx,
Colleen
*** PSA - THIS IS NOT DOGGING THE PARENTS WHO ARE CUDDLY! BEFORE YOU COME FOR ME, BECAUSE I KNOW YA WILL! lol. I just know personally when it hit me that I'm not cuddly it made me feel like a shit mom for weeks and I wanted to remind others like me that it is NOT the end all be all of parenthood and they're also doing the damn thing! ***
