"I've always been dark, with light somewhere in the distance..." -Dallas Green

Happy Monday, I'll star

t this by saying that there was a lot of people today that have been struggling, a heavy day for being overwhelmed for many it seems. Today doesn't define tomorrow and it can't rain all the time!

I had a long, two hours' time worth of wisdom that did not autosave for whatever reason so now you'll get the CliffsNotes instead...I promise I'll try my best to give as much context as possible still.

Homework in my house goes something like this, my youngest coming in to go deeply into detail about how each assignment should be done, me saying "awesome! now go do it!" and him going back to do it. Today it made me laugh out loud and say "he must be thinking THIS betch could afford another wrinkle or two..."as he speaks to me like I'm the student and he's the teacher, which I don't discourage, raising future leaders over here! Then it hit me, I stopped and held myself accountable. That was ONE thing I was working on NOT doing this year, making a joke that I'm dumb or insinuating that I'm dumb because I'm honestly just not, lol. Truly. I'm not the best at math or grammar BUT, I'm teachable. I'm motivated and dedicated. I will master ANY task you give me with time and I will make mistakes along the way but, I learn from them. I'm not afraid of change, in fact, I encourage it. I'm hungry for more, I love the climb, I'm a team player and I'm passionate about a strong work ethic regardless of what position you're in. I've ALWAYS been successful at every single thing I've applied myself to or set my mind to. So WHY have I made myself out to be this dumb girl, for as far back as I can remember? Thats where my discovery of shadow work came in to change the game for me, personally. Shadow work is hard and painful and dredges up things you push to the very back of your mind and memories, things that hurt you to your core, situations that involve trauma that you have never worked through, etc. and it allows you to get to the actual root of your mental blocks and abilities to level up by working through the trauma that you don't want to talk about or even pushed so far back that you FORGOT about (that happens! GOOGLE IT!) but your soul harbors that turmoil, it just stews for decades until you open that door and unlock that darkness so you can turn it all into light and stop letting it take up space in your mind. Here's what I discovered about ME, and none of it was fun to realize, especially the second reason.

First and foremost, I most definitely use jokes and humor as a defense mechanism. I struggle with abandonment issues and also have severe anxiety and PTSD. I have fight or flight or crack jokes, sometimes at my own detriment. Our words have power and energy behind them, I'm speaking the "joke" into existence which I truly believe is a major reason why we end up feeling so bad about ourselves sometimes. I will make fun of myself so no one else can, there's nothing you can say to me that I'm not aware of and am either actively working on changing or something I can make fun of too, like my Tyra forehead. Jokes aside, it does dumb me down and it makes me look less credible to my colleagues. HOW could they believe in me if I don't even believe in myself? Build yourself up, don't tear yourself down.

Second, I use it to get what I want. The ol' damsel in distress" act. "I can't" or "I don't know how, could you just do it for me?!" when I didn't feel like it or it was something outside of my comfort zone. Thats SO manipulative!!! If I don't want to do it why in the WORLD would I expect or ask another human being to do it for me? I really try my best now to stop and think about how what I ask of others says about me. WHY am I asking them and WHY am I not doing it myself? Sometimes there's valid reasons to ask other people for help, I'm not against collaborations or seeking help when you need it AT ALL, I'm speaking on my personal experiences of the shitbag side of this human meat suit! And I've def manipulated people by playing dumb or acting weak in the past, I don't have specific examples but, I know it's happened and I'm sorry to those I asked to do things I was more than capable of but, the Virgo in me is telling me to make a joke and say that maybe you should work on not being an enabler but, I'm not gonna. LMAO! I do want to clearly state, for the record, that I have zero upper body strength and I have chronic pain and arthritis so if I as you to open something or carry something, that's a legit request and not me being a douche lord so please don't tell me to fuck off. K, thx.

What do YOU do to yourself that you hate that you do? Even deeper question to elaborate on, what is the REAL reason why you do it and when did it start?

If anyone needs anything from me, I'm always here to chat and I'm happy to help.

xoxo,